I can't sleep and honestly it's pissing me off

It's just memories

just memories,,

Memories I can't really remember?

Memories that don't really exist but viscerally they do?

It's really hard to quantify and it's fucking agonizing

Because I can't explain something that doesn't have a word for it

Because it feels different from negative daydream whatever stuff

Because it's just different somehow where in experience it feels more real

I sometimes call them false memories but that doesn't really give them justice

it's really difficult to explain flashbacks to something that didn't happen

there's some people we know who call them exo memories

Which I guess kinda applies

another term is pseudo memories

but even that still gives some kind of degradation

we still feel bittersweet about our seizures being classified as pseudo seizures but I mean we don't fit their special little rubric

I guess it's a bit about just feeling like it's delegitimizing somehow

like it doesn't really matter

it was also a thing where like

with the transfeminine experiences with periods people can be real assholes about it

because we have periods and they fucking hurt we just don't bleed

instead of the uterine muscles contracting it's all the ones in our stomach out of pure neuromuscular confusion

for us specifically it's not cyclical it's based on hormonal fluctuation so if we forget our meds or something fucks with our hormones in our body (which is often enough)

I guess technically it would be more premenstrual syndrome instead of periods?

but honestly I don't know

doctors didn't choose to take a minute to care about trans people

So I'm gonna say periods

But what's really fucking annoying is when cis women choose to say it's nothing it's not a period you're lying for attention it's just indigestion deal with it it's not a big deal you're overplaying it all whatever the fuck

no we’re in agonizing pain and I'm gonna say we’re in agonizing pain because guess what it's agonizing fucking pain

we’ve almost went to the ER thinking our appendix just burst and you're gonna tell me it's fucking indigestion

have you read the back of your birth control it's fucking hormonal

periods are fucking hormonal

And don't you dare fucking say I'm “mansplaining” periods or I'll cut off your clit

Anyway

we might be having hormone fluctuations

ANYWAY

what the fuck was I just talking about

oh right I can't sleep

it's 3:59 AM right now and I drank a monster and got a little stoned

because every time we lay down to sleep it's just these

FUck I still don't know a name for them im losing my goddamn mind

Situations?

that almost fits

simulations?

no not quite, fuck

I'm just tired of being called fake and being told I'm lying and I should just get over it I really am experiencing these things and no one will just fucking listen to me

fucking writing in the chalkboard

people leaving notes about me about me not fucking being disabled because I can still stand out of my wheelchair it's just fucking agonizing

not everyone in a wheelchair is paralyzed

some can have balance issues or motor control issues or have agonizing pain

we have agonizing fucking pain

but I guess we’re not really someone to listen to about pain

because their tests don't include us

hell I knew our diagnosis before they did because we've been on a wait list for who knows how long after my appointment was already cancelled

We weren’t self diagnosed we were community diagnosed

where every single other person who has it told us we have it

even if their initial tests meant no even though we still had a medication in our system that got in the way of the test even working

doesn't matter we’re not really someone who does according to literally everything that's been set in front of me

call us fake all you want it seems apparently that's what everyone wants to do

because we’re not in their specific little world view rule books

We are the grey area and we are so fucking tired of always being in the grey area

I don't wanna be here

It's agonizing and no one listens to you no matter how much you just try and argue you exist

why would I lie about having this pain when saying it all I get back is more pain

I'll lose my mind if anyone says we’re drug seeking because opiates don't fucking work on us they didn't after our wisdom tooth surgery

Month of fucking pain and nothing we could do

And when we adjust our tetrahydrocannabinol dosage according to our pain levels even though we know what the fuck we're doing we get told that we have a problem for increasing

even though we know all the research and we know what we're doing and we control our doses and just what the fuck is wrong with people

oh by the way it's weed I'm sorry is that too scary for you are you gonna call the wee woo cars

I went so far to get a medical card

not like it legally changes much it just lets me buy better stuff

have a bit more control over it

because again we're fucking careful with our meds and these are meds

definitely safer than alcohol definitely better for making me less fucking depressed

and it doesn't interact with any of our other meds and the only thing that works for our pain

but Nope I'm junkie scum I guess

what the fuck was I talking about what was I writing this about wait

oh shit right it was about sleep

4:32 AM now

this has been a very sleep deprived rant into voice to text

memories are weird

periods are weird

mobility is weird

pain is weird

people suck

when someone tells you they're in pain, listen

be gay do crime

eat lightbulbs

don't actually eat light bulbs if you put one in your mouth you can't actually physically get it out without breaking it

it's 4:39 AM now and I don't know if I try and sleep and have more whatever the fuck they're called or stay up

I’m just gonna upload this