Oh, hey again, again.

Oh, hey again, again.

Taz

Trigger Warnings: Suicide, Self Harm, Illness, Medication Misuse, Abuse

11May22

Oh, hey again, again.
It's been a minute
I guess we've been distant lately
There's been a lot going on
I can't even put it into words
Thats what we keep saying
But i'll try my best

I've been spending all my energy at work
I never really had any energy to begin with lately
Finals burnt us out so much
We ended up sleeping in today
And the night before
And the night before...
I guess we have a problem...

We fling our half unconscious body to work
We spend the entire time in an inhabitably hot room
Doing 3D printing, learning new ropes
A lot of paperwork
We have to take breaks from the heat
We get lightheaded and woozy and can't think straight
Nothing we aren't used to, but more than our baseline.
At least it's been less seizures lately
Though we may be speaking too soon

And we haven't hurt ourselves
Though our suicidality is getting kinda high
It's hard to talk about
It hurts our friends to hear about it
They tell us they're happy that we told them
Didn't suffer in silence
But we don't know why we're having these thoughts
So many things are going on we can't unravel our emotions
We don't know why we're like this
We keep apologizing about it over and over
About existing
About being in pain

Growing up we got sick all the time
We probably had some immunodeficiency
We got strep throat so often we knew the rapid always lied
Our parents got so tired of it we were sent to school anyway
I remember a massive bag of cough drops in our bag
Too much for a middle schooler
I think sometimes we took them even when not coughing
Just something to give some relief
The school was getting sick of them dropping us off sick
But more likely they were tired of us always being sick
They were tired of us a lot
I guess we were exausting to be around
We would be in so much pain you could hear it in our breathing
They would be mad at us for making pained moans
Tell us to stop
Tell us we weren't sick enough
Even if we were up all night
Feeling like our body was dying
Vomiting and laying on the bathroom floor
I guess it also explains all the ER visits...

We've been sick a lot lately
Though in different ways
We're doing our best to not care what others think
It's really hard though
We still apologize about having seizures
No matter how much they tell us we don't have to
It comes natural to us
We will ball up and cry and do nothing but keep saying "I'm sorry"
Even if no one is around
Which lately, no one has

Everyone's busy
Most of our friends moved away
We sometimes manage to get one meet up scheduled
Weeks in advance
And every time
We get a last second cancellation
We want to be forgiving
Reasonable
We say it's okay, and we do
But our rejection sensitive dysphoria goes into overdrive
We go into an intense spiral
Our loneliness surges
Our veins feel like poison
But we don't want to seem unreasonable
We have before told people about how our RSD gets
Ask to both ensure you won't need to cancel
And reassure us we didn't do anything when you do
But we can never say it in the moment
We isolate
We don't want to seem unreasonable to anyone else
And we spiral
Because we're constantly alone
I checked our calendar
We haven't met up with someone outside of work or work events in 1.5 months
No matter our best efforts
We are alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone.
alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone.
alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone.
alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone.
alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone.
That many alones is how many days it's been.

Outside of everything we also have a grant falling through because our local sponsor has decided to last second pull out of the project and we need to reach out to them about it but we cant muster the energy both physical and emotional to write a response we have to figure out a whole new strategy to remake everything we have to get that working again and we have to figure out how to do a commission when everythings falling apart we have to schedule new appointments for both us and our dog and we have to figure out where things are with our wheelchair and we have to order new stuff for our bike and we have to do our training for a volunteer position we've applied to and we have to return our broken laptop and we have to figure out the best way to make it so we can bike a wheelchair to work and we have to do a lot of databasing in terms of our art projects and we have to setup a website and social media for both our grant project and our private practice and we have to create several new devices pertaining to our grant and we have to deal with our health insurance collapsing in on itself and we have to deal with an anti discrimination case that our college is trying to pass off as resolved with no issues found writing it like we're the problem and we have to figure out how to get our bike to stop collapsing in on itself and we have to get back into training campy to be our service dog and we have to figure out how to go about attending pro abortion rights protests and we have to figure out whats happening with our alters and we have to try and actually clean our apartment as its starting to get gross and we need to take a bunch of photos of our artwork and we need to write up a few contracts and we need to figure out how to actually socialize maybe finding a group or something and we need to figure out how to get our friends now to stop drifting away and we need to stop wallowing in despair every time we look up at the clock and we need to stop thinking about death every second of every day and we need to keep ourselves from self harming and we need to keep ourselves from going back into having an eating disorder and we need to try to not have more seizures and we need to try to not let our intense illness get in the way of everything we have to do and we need to try and stop hating ourselves as much and we need to stop thinking our severe health issues are minor and we need to stop thinking we're hurting others by being unwell and we need to be careful what we say because hospitalization would make everything worse right now and we need to focus on trying to not be alone and we need to stop caring if people get mad at us because we're falling behind because we cannot handle doing everything in this list in a day like they want and we need to stop writing because im really fucking overwhelmed trying to write this and i cant keep thinking about how someone thinks this is humane to need to do all of this at once and i cant stop staring at this list feeling so intensely burnt out and having those suicidal thoughts rush in wishing i could just have everything stop and just have at least a minute to breathe